"All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
- Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina (1877)
The opening line of Tolstoy’s great novel resonates in part because of its simplicity. It has even given rise to the “Anna Karenina Principle,” which suggests that complex mechanisms require all key factors to exist and function to succeed, and therefore are all similar on at least a general level. But because even one missing element can lead to failure, there are many unique ways the mechanism can be unsuccessful.
Varieties of Sibling Disputes
With due respect to Tolstoy, many legal fights involving siblings have some roots in similar concepts. Whether a family is managing a closely held business or dealing with the realities of aging and transfer of assets, recognizing patterns of conflict can help advisors—and sometimes even the combatants themselves—move past conflict to find solutions.
Zombie Wars!
A sibling is often the longest relationship in a person’s life—unlike parents, children, and even many friends, our siblings exist with us at every stage of life. When siblings disagree about an issue, the disagreement may be motivated by concerns (or grudges) extending back years or even decades. Is a disagreement over Mom’s inheritance, or is it really over the fact that you got the Christmas present I really wanted when I was eight? Is an argument about who should control the voting shares of the family business, or is it really because I was the responsible one when we were younger and you never helped out with all the stress I felt, even though you were too young? Sometimes these conflicts, even decades after supposedly dying out, can reappear and force their way into otherwise unrelated discussions.
I Win!
Siblings often compete against each other, whether it is for the last slice of pizza, who gets to choose the movie, or who is better at Ping-Pong. Sometimes competition goes deeper, though, such as vying for affection or approval or competing for scarce resources. The winner is superior. Sometimes the winner, often an older sibling, is seen as the “chosen one” or “golden child.” Those roles can become entrenched over time.
I’m in Charge!
When the existing hierarchy is challenged, whether it is based on age or on “golden child” status, siblings can feel threatened by change. An older child may feel like he or she is losing status when the parents invite a younger sibling to share responsibilities, whereas a younger sibling may feel like he or she is fighting to establish a role of his or her own or step out of an older sibling’s shadow. Whether arguing over who will babysit when Mom and Dad leave for an evening or who will take charge of the family business, status concerns can lead to competition or open conflict.
I’m Responsible!
One sibling may default to being the “responsible” sibling. As parents age, the responsible sibling often becomes a caretaker. The caretaker feels the burden of making decisions for others. Often, this leads to a buildup of resentment directed at other siblings who, in the caretaker’s view, are not shouldering a fair share of the load. The free-spirit siblings, on the other hand, can feel excluded or minimized by the caretaker.
Implications for Advisors and Participants
Those are only a handful of common sibling dynamics. As Tolstoy would note, there is an infinite variety of underlying circumstances, personal histories, and justifications. As these patterns harden, they can become a primary lens through which siblings view each other. Calcification can lock people into roles that may have applied as children but no longer fit.
In addition, siblings’ perspectives of others and themselves can change over time. For example, as a responsible older child with a younger sister, this author would have confidently said that the oldest child is always right and bears a greater weight of responsibility. But as a parent with two children, this author now (begrudgingly) recognizes that sometimes responsible older siblings may also act in a way that other siblings perceive as bossy or domineering (unfairly so, in my case).
Understanding how these dynamics affect clients is a valuable tool in conflict avoidance and resolution. It is important for succession planning and estate planning to avoid putting people in roles that are incompatible with their skills, but it is also important to avoid putting people in roles that will inevitably lead to conflict with other stakeholders. And once conflict arises, it is important for negotiation and litigation to gauge the source of the disagreement and try to determine what the other side truly wants—recognition? Responsibility? Retribution?
When addressing sibling disputes in any context, it is important that others—whether they are lawyers, trustees, advisors, or other counselors—do not avoid the issue or sweep it under the rug. It will usually reappear later. There is often a temptation for parents to leave a business to siblings jointly, or make them co-trustees, with the hope that making them work together will force them to work out their differences and play nice. But whatever built-up issues exist generally do not vanish when parents are no longer in charge.
Regardless of how sibling conflict manifests itself, it regularly impacts planning and strategy. Using a third party like a lawyer, trustee, or mediator can sometimes depressurize the sibling dynamic, but understanding the root of sibling disagreements can help avoid or minimize an otherwise expensive conflict.
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